the geometry of shadows

january aint the greatest time for me

i dont think it is for alota pppl anyway in general - with darkness and cold, lack of money and comedown from christmas and all that

 

so yah

january sucks

 

 

 

i was 18 when i decided i'd take a few hundred aspirin and paracetomol- i just had enough... i woke up one morning and was late with my college work yet again, just didn't want to get out of beded to sleep - so it just seemed a logical thing to do.... i guess or anything - i just want

 

i had friends, well a few.. who i had met from computer shops and we shared interest in games and then they introduced me too smoking weed... and i think - i had been doing it for a year or so by then... it wasn't much fun for me i remember i would think about things too much - tooo deeply...

 

and in general i didn't get on with people that well - not ones of the same age anyway... for as long as i can remember i was calleded on cause i was tall,thin,glasses with goofy hair and teeth etc - ya typical nerd and geek.. i would fight back tho - i wasn't a coward - i just had no ability to fight at all and would get ma ass kicked everytime names and pick

 

so when at the age of about 11 - one of my now best friends brother karate kicked me in the head into oncoming traffic... i managed to get out of that obviously - but it was the death knell on  my playing in the streets and socializing with others ma age

 

 

 

 

 

i had ma computer

 

 

the game i most remember being immersed into was ELITE

i would come home from school - go into my bedroom - close the doors and curtains and boot up the flight computer to ma cobra mk 3

look at the markets – see what starsystem had a good value for ma cargo – computers, metals , precious jewels…maybe take some technology to an agricultural planet then pick up a cargo of food for a tek planet etc..

 

jump to a new system – all fully fueled, armed etc – kick in the local area jump drive which would make the space dust whip by ya view screen in huge elongated trails of light

IT stops. Everythin returns to single points of light – no trails. Look down straight away at the local area radar and they are there – 3 points of light – 2 too the far left of the display – another on the far right – towards the bottom moving upwards and in an elliptical orbit towards the center point of the display. Me.

 

Pirates – obvious from their movements and formation ,but yaaaa I am ready,kill the thrust – roll to the right – kick in burn and activate the missile lock… pointless as most ships have ecm systems to counter missiles but it feels good when the lock on blips for target lock..

Err

Yah

Kinda lost the plot there I think.

And I did – that's how my life went – before virtual reality and the internet with ma basic computer and hefty dose of imagination I'd created my own world  (no doubt something kids had done forever before with a cardboard box etc)– that made living in this one tolerable.

 

Didn't help me get on with my peers tho – at secondary school ma obsession with the computer (and regular beatings) continued – and yah of course by this time girls.. the only girl I managed to get at school was 14 when I was 11 – on a school trip in france and she let me play with her boobs and snog her on the back of the bus – I think I was her little science experiment (my hands were like the claws of a lobster apparently – and that nickname stuck with me all through school – and I recognize anyone from those days if they use that) – so puffed up with ma new confidence when returned to school in england she denied all knowledge of events cause hey, I'm a little geek and not cool

 

I told my parents I'd pass my end of school exams – gcse's – if they brought be a commodore amiga
I failed just over half of em

NEVER buy ya kid what they want before exams.

 

The amiga had a side effect from just games – I enjoyed the sounds it made – I'd been messin around with music on tape to tape decks and playin with ma Sinclair spectrum's BEEP command for some while..
younger ma dad showed ma a crystal radio and how ya connect it to lead pipes and ya hear radio – all distant and spooky like from another planet
and I used to mess around loads with long wave on radio sets – tryin to get American radio stations – and those werid russian soundin ones with  the deep voices and clanging metallic ominous soundin station id musics..

 

So I started makin music on soundtracker 1.0 – it took over from the games I think – there was a game feel too it with using the software – so I got ma game kick – and sounds took me out to places and stuff… then came the chemicals

 

I think. 15 not 17 – 17 was acid

15 was weed – but mostly beer – sneakin 2 or 3 pints in at the French horn on a Saturday afternoon – and being sick everywhere

oh well.

 

So I had ma peers then – a few ppl I could relate to and get on with. Tho I had to deal with the rest of the human race – and they just battered me into submission – well I don't know if that's the right word. They were just too much – I didn't want to do any school work cause I saw no point,– the future always looked bleak and I had a hard job trying to plan for it.

 

I still do – I can't see the future at all

I'm bored of what I am doing – I don't know what else to do – I don't care too look for what else to do

Inside I'm the same I always have been – I wake up – I do some stuff – I go bed – I try to plan but the plans soon pass

I'm bored of existence – I always have been – I still am

 

The thing is that's different from when I was 18 is I can't end it – I know better, not cause of me – that really doesn't matter… I have family to consider – it's the effect my departure would have to them I can't be responsible for.

 

Afterlife?

I don't know – not like in any religious sense. I feel there is an energy of sorts – everything is changed from one form to another – nothing is really truly destroyed, so to terminate ones existence I feel would have some sort of effect in whatever happens next

 

Can't be sure – its just what I feel.

 

 

So ya – In recent years I found other ways to destroy maself – cause the termination is not an option – but mental and that of ma character

Hate yourself and make others hate u

 

Then some 3 or so years ago I realized I was trying to do what I did when I was 18 – but in a different way

So I told one person

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Speaking your demons does help clear your head – and it makes a problem physically real and being real it's a problem BUT – problems have solutions – something that lurks mentally in ya head just bugs u.

 

 

I'm not officially nuts or anything by the way – the second person I talked to about it all at the beginning of 2006 was a professional. Hell they don't even give me anti depressants and all that.

 

Basically I'm a miserable sod that thinks too much and is lazy


and lonely too I guess.
that computer geek self defence shield I developed as a kid makes it hard for me to get close to people
I talk a lot – I try to listen but I just talk and talk – wave my arms and woffle on

Then I realize I've done it again and go God not again

Beat myself up over things that I cant really control – maybe abit? I don't know, I am what I am   

 

 

 

This blog has lost its point
if there was any in the first place I don't know – it just exists

 

When I see people now I wonder what their thoughts are. I shouldn't but I do.

 

 

Life was simpler back in ma elite days on the old flight computer of ma cobra mk3
I remember once jumping into a star system and the sun was all red – fast ships were charging past me out of the solar system – it looked bad..
I arrived at the main planets orbiting spacestation to find hundreds of refugees all wanting to be taken onboard – the sun was about to go nova.

So – I left dock with cargo full of people, came out of station and rolled my ship to face the sun… the red ball expanded slowly then – rapidly the sun went SUPERNOVA

In a blind panic I hit the jump button – and after a few seconds in witchspace rematerialized in a more stable system.
still shaking I headed off too the nearest station to dump ma rather well paying and grateful cargo :)

 

Its one of the clearest memories I have.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January.

Depressing month
ma 16^th anniversary of being almost dead is jan31st.

(giving up smoking makes u stress i tell u)

 

 

 

Take it easy.

TEk